Come as you are.
Infertility & Loss
5 years ago my husband and I sat in my OBYGN’s office and I received the most devastating news of my life.
What we thought was just a routine visit to determine what might be causing our inability to get pregnant, turned into a visit that would change our lives forever.
We were told that my chance of getting pregnant was less than 1% and even if I did it would likely end the same way it did after I was drugged and raped in 2011. In a painful miscarriage before I even knew I was pregnant.
It was a gut punch that not only would we likely never conceive a child naturally but, that I was single handedly responsible for our infertility.
I’ll never forget when my husband (who isn’t big on feeling or communicating emotions) looked at me and said he wished it were him. In that moment, instead of feeling pride that he wasn’t “the problem” he felt the desire to take that pain on himself instead. That’s a natural response when you love someone deeply but, life doesn’t work that way. My husband could not bare this burden for me, but he could (and would) bare it with me.
Even though I wasn’t told that I would never have a child, just that I would need medical intervention to conceive… I never thought I would actually get pregnant AND see the baby born on this side of heaven. I was in a deep depression over the thought that:
I would never see two pink lines on a pregnancy test
I would never feel the joy of sharing the news that we were pregnant with my husband
I would never know what its like to hear my baby’s heartbeat for the first time
I would never see myself with a baby bump
I would never know what it feels like to to have a life living inside me, the movements, the kicks
I would never get to see what our baby would look like
I would never be called “mom”
Come As You Are
We don’t know for certain the reason I received the diagnoses I did. Why my tubes were so scarred. Why they were leaking toxic fluid into my uterus, killing any life that tried to grow.
There is a possibility I was born with it. But, given no one in my family has ever had trouble conceiving, I knew that it was likely my promiscuous behavior in my college years that was to blame.
Processing this was messy. I blamed myself for my condition and I began to believe the lies of the enemy:
God is punishing me
I don’t deserve to have a baby after the choices I made
I am step-mom because I’m not good enough to be a “real mom”
It was with a heavy heart that we made the decision to move forward with an irreversible procedure that would render me truly incapable of ever getting pregnant on my own in hopes of having a successful pregnancy through IVF. I had both tubes fully removed. After the surgery, the doctor showed me pictures of what she saw. The scarring was much worse then she initially thought and it was confirmed that we would have likely tried for a lifetime and never gotten pregnant and carried a baby to term.
We began the IVF process and it was unlike anything I had ever experienced. Tricking your body into maturing multiple eggs at one time by using a ton of hormones, the shots, shots, and more shots. The countless number of doctors visits, the financial burden when we found out insurance didn’t cover ANYTHING. It was all so heavy. So hard.
Then, the rollercoaster of hearing that that my eggs weren’t maturing like they had hoped. That I probably only had 2 mature eggs which meant with a 50% success rate to become an embryo, I was only going to have 1 chance at becoming a mama. To finding out after my retrieval that they were able to retrieve 10x the amount of mature eggs they predicted.
God is so good.
We did a fresh transfer of ONE embryo 5 days later and then one week after that I saw two pink lines on a pregnancy test for the first time in my entire life.
I got to share the news with my husband like I had always wanted. WE. WERE. HAVING. A. BABY.
Unfortunately, for 9 months I was riddled with anxiety with the fear of another loss. But the Lord was faithful and he used that time to draw me close to Him.
Although I wouldn’t wish infertility on my worst enemy I would choose it again and again if it meant opening my eyes to the abounding grace and love of our Heavenly Father.
You see my husband couldn’t take the burden of infertility from me, he couldn’t erase the sins of my past and give me a fresh slate but Jesus could. And he did.
God took one of the darkest seasons in my life and used it to deepen my faith in a way that only understanding the truth depth of my brokenness can.
The truth is that God wasn’t punishing me for my choices, but sin does have natural consequences.
The truth is that I didn’t deserve to have a baby but God in his grace gave me one anyways.
The truth is that I was always a real mom. You don’t have to share DNA with a child to be worthy of that title.
God used my infertility to bring me back into an abiding relationship with Him
God used infertility to save my marriage
God used the birth of our son to restore what was broken for BOTH myself and my husband
Come As You Are has never meant more to me.
Hunter Lee Carter, what a sweet gift you are. What a picture of grace and love. You bring your daddy and I more joy then we ever imagined. I cannot wait to celebrate you today. Happy 2nd Birthday.
Ugga Mugga Hunter,